*Is quietly fiddling with an unusual contraption*

[Jurgen]

Oh for the love of the four cheeses favoured by god, you're not supposed to be here yet. Damnit. Well since you're here I suppose I'd better make my intentions clear. This machine to my left is infact my latest cloning machine, however unlike the others it's not set on auto Jurg. All you do is this.
*Stands to the left of the machine, a large ring springs from the top of the machine and lands around him, then flies back up from whence it came. A machanical voice is heard*
Please select golem type
Paper
Paper golem selected
*The machine buzzes and whirrs for a while, lights blink on and off and a noise not unlike Satan sneezing is heard. Suddenly everything stops and the machine sits lifeless for a few seconds*
Fzaking machine. Hold on it takes a little while for it to materialise the clone.
*The machine shudders as Jurg discreetly kicks it and finally a paper Jurgen clone leaps out of the ground next to Jurg prime. He has the number 1535476 tatooed on his forehead*
Haha! It worked, behold my auto cloner in action. I have a paper golem to add to my collection, at last, this one has to be the most useless clone I have ever created, I've outdone myself this time.
*Hugs the clone and recoils in horror screaming*
Gaaaah! Papercut! Yes, definitely the most useless clone I have ever created. Well I'm off to go and file this one in the museum next to the ketchup and neighbourhood watch sign golems. Please be kind and wipe the lens after you use the machine and if you must use it for the greater good don't tell anyone it's my machine. However if evil armies of clones is your game then make sure you choose something more original than flesh golems, they're boring.
*Toddles off into another dimension via a gaping vortex that just happenned to have been behind him the whole time, you just didn't notice*

[ChaoticFlame]

*Steps into the machine*
*A machanical voice is heard*
:Please select Golem type.
Pizza
:Pizza Golem selected.
*The machine buzzes and puffs out a plume of smoke*
*A pizza clone steps forward*
W00T!! PIZZA!!!!
*Proceeds to eat the clone*
Darn, I needed that clone to do my bidding.
*Steps out to try to think of a better plan*

[Plunder Down-Under]

I love it when he visits. He brings such nice things.

*places a piece of metal in the machine*

*A guy in a Emperor band shirt comes out* IT WORKS... oh wait.. black metal, its cool but not my favorite
*tries again out comes a guy in a Motly Crue shirt* AHH HAIR METAL!! *destroys the clone*
Ok.. once more! *out comes a guy with a slipknot shirt* Nu-Metal? Nah
Maybe this time I should try a bit more power... *sets up a lightning conductor, which is struck by lightning!*

*this clone has a Helloween shirt* WOO Power Metal! Success!


*moshes with power metal golem*


*the black metal golem chews on the Hair Metal golem clones corpse* Creepy.

[asianmommy]

oooh, world domination.

:steps into machine:
Please Select Golem
Peanut Butter
Peanut Butter Golem Selected
*After several minutes of waiting and staring at the blinky lights a golem made of Peanut Butter appears*
Ooooh, it's sticky!!!! I want another one!

*After repeating this process several times, AM takes her peanut butter golems to the park, where they proceed to capture people in their sticky.*

*The commander of her small peanut butter army spits out something that lets her know they'd captured the president of the united states, but he manage to escape because dick cheney's evil presence made the peanut butter soldiers melt into puddles. *

*She goes to survey the damage and pats her general on the shoulder, retracting a hand covered in peanut butter, which she then licks*

Oooooh creamy, you taste good.

[Plunder Down-Under]

*continues to mosh*

*black metal golem is setting chuches on fire again.. sigh*

[ChaoticFlame]

*mummbles to self*

Maybe if they are made of pancakes I won't eat them? No I'd still eat them.

*continues to deliberate on what to do*

[asianmommy]

*Leaving her peanut butter soldiers she returns to the machine* They were too sticky. *She bumps into CF* How about carrots? or Celery?

Myself, I'm gonna make one outta bunnies... *imagines bunny golem terror* or maybe not. How about...

*Please select Golem*
Leather
*Leather Golem Selected*

*She waits a few minutes which she uses to nibble on CF*

*The leather golem is funny looking and has that new car smell.*

[ChaoticFlame]

*smells a new car and thinks*

How about chinese takeout? Naw, I like sweet and sour chicken too much to tell it to destroy anything. Back to the drawing board.

*nibbles AM while he thinks*

[sableagle]

Just one request: noone ask for plutonium.

[KiaKat]

Oooo! Can I use a Sun God?

Or better yet, can I use the Sumarian language?

[DarkPirateShea]

Just one request: noone ask for plutonium.

But then what am I gonna use to power this time machine?? *gestures to Delorean*

[KiaKat]

Sugar-fed toddlers? Or catnipped kitties?

[sableagle]

But then what am I gonna use to power this time machine?? *gestures to Delorean*

Even you, you tiny, sweet little thing, are big enough to be a critical mass. It would be messy, and a waste of you.

Can we set this thing up to create the golem thousands of miles away?

[Evandril]

*looks at the clone machine*

This could be interesting...:dgrin:

*grabs a passing mongoose, and feeds it a energy drinks 'til it starts to blur slightly, then tosses it into the machine*

Lets, see, where was that setting again? Ah! There we go!

*Dials in glittery rubber, turns the machine to 'mass produce - high speed', and fires it up*

[KiaKat]

*high pitched squeal*

SPARKLY!!!!!!!

[DarkPirateShea]

*looks at the clone machine*

This could be interesting...:dgrin:

*grabs a passing mongoose, and feeds it a energy drinks 'til it starts to blur slightly, then tosses it into the machine*

Lets, see, where was that setting again? Ah! There we go!

*Dials in glittery rubber, turns the machine to 'mass produce - high speed', and fires it up*

*watches as many high-energy, glittery rubber mongoose pour from the machine*

Um, you... you do realize what those resemble right?...

[KiaKat]

*squee!*

Shiny sparkly penises!

Damnit, now I want a penis dog.

[DarkPirateShea]

:eek: Oh god they're everywhere!!
*hides face*
It just keeps making more!

[asianmommy]

Oooooh, it's getting sparkly in here.
*sits on shoulders of leather golem to keep shiny sparkly mongoose-penis golems off her shoes*

[ChaoticFlame]

*mummbles to self as mongoose thingies run past*

Maybe some flour, eggs, suger, cinnamon........

*trails off while considering a new golem cake recipe*

[Plunder Down-Under]

Aww.. now their are sparkly pink penises everywhere.

That's just cra-azy

[Evandril]

*watches the sparkly mongooses streaking around the room, bouncing off of everything they come into contact with*

Decent, but lets make 'em irresistable ;)

*Sets up colored floodlights, and has 'em randomly change colors, making the sparkles seem to almost catch aflame*

*Sits back to watch the chaos, as he resists the urge to chase any himself*

[KiaKat]

*squee!*

*chases shiny sparkly penises*

*pant* *pant*

Wow. I'm tired. Too much penis-chasing.

Oooo! There's another one!

*runs around in circles, chasing shiny penis*

[Jurgen]

*Reappears from the other dimension and contemplates yelling at the top of his voice "what in three hells is going on" but reconsiders, realising the futility of starting a topic that won't have penises involved at some point, we are after all on the intertubes*
I take is you're enjoying my machine? Good
*Sidles up to the machine and smiles darkly. He waits for the scanning process to be over and whispers something. The machine stops spitting out ferrets and begins to shudder like a dog taking a dump, as it whirs and clicks Jurgen begins to giggle, which expands into a laugh, which explodes into a megalomaniacal guffaw*
I've done it! I've done it! At last woo!!!!!!!!
*The machine begins to spit out the most vile creations imaginable, Jurgen sized and shaped clones which appear to be made out of people, it is only upon examining them closely you realise the clones are infact made out of dopplegangers the DP forumites, each clone is just the wrong size for their component forumite meaning each one has one area of the body made from a totally superfluous body part, which would probably be less terrifying is the CF clone in particlular didn't have the mass difference balanced using intestines*
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now I have a DP-forumite-Jurg-clone-golem ARMY! I'll be invincible.
*The lumbering unholy constructs saunter off into the distance to wreak who knows what havoc on what knows who. It's at this point that Jurg realises the KiaKat clone is topped up with leftover ferrets. He commands this one to stay.*
Hey it's what she wanted, herself and a bunch of those ferrets, just maybe not the shape she wanted to be in when she caught them. It's okay though folks you can carry on with your silly games of cat and ferret, I'm off to conquer the world.
*Throws his head back and laughs, standing with his legs shoulder distance apart and his hands behind his back it becomes clear it's time for a supervillain rant*
As I'm sure you're aware I've been the master of a clone army of unimaginable size and power for a long time now, however up until I came to this place my clones lacked a certain je ne ce quoi. To put it bluntly the most powerful and destructive golems were made out of my own bellybutton fluff. Having spent some time in this realm I have noticed that if there's havoc to be wreaked and destruction to sow then the forumites of the Devil's Panties Fansite are the perfect candidates to do it. So I hatched a grand scheme to utilise the power, randomity and sillyness of the DP forumites to my own advantage and over power my army to no small extent. I knew leaving a cloning machine around you guys would be more than enough bait to get you all scanned and probably destroy the world but just incase it wasn't enough I had the machine store your data for use as cloning material and here we are. Now I am unstoppable.
Thank you all very much for your kind assistance but I have a major rebellion in another dimension to put down. Enjoy your day and try not to think too literally about what's happening to the Kiakat clone, she'll be fine.
*Vanishes into the portal that once again appears to have been behind him all along but you just didn't notice*

[sableagle]

*fires rocket through portal*

*is still on safe perch*

*hasn't been scanned*

*throws magical figurine of a green worm mass after the departing clones*

That one won't do much for world hunger but it'll take care of the clones alright.

Approx rules for green worm mass:

str 6, con 6, dex 6, int 2, wis 2, spd 2. Every turn, roll 1d6 per worm mass. On 4, 5 or 6, that worm mass gets a move. For each worm mass that moves, roll 1d6. On 5 or 6, that worm mass's move for this turn is to breed. Roll 1d6 to select an adjacent hex, and if it's empty create a new worm mass there. New worm mass has parent's attributes modified by 1d4 as follows: on 1, -1; on 2 or 3, same; on 4, +1. If a mass moves other than to breed, it attacks an adjacent enemy creature, or eat adjacent food, or moves towards a nearby enemy, or moves at random, in that order. Green worm mass attack is acid and poison-based. Green worm masses suffer 10% damage from acid and poison attacks and 20% damage from pierce and bludgeon attacks but 150% damage from fire attacks.

*EMP-grenades the clone machine*

[KiaKat]

<-- Is incredibly disturbed, and yet oddly intrigued...

*lays in a pile of limbs, completely worn out from all the craziness*

Phew. That was more exciting than chasing my tail. I don't think I'll try to bite them next time though. Just cause they're all sparkly and pretty doesn't mean they taste good. Bleah.

[Evandril]

*pulls out a spare version of the machine, pulls up the mongoose program, and adds chocolate flavoring to them, and turns it back on*

That should help ;)

[Fount]

You cloned the clone machine? Brilliant!

*starts murmuring quietly*
beer clone? No I already love a beer with my name on it, I'd be sad if I wasn't as good. bacon clone? No it wouldn't last more than 5 seconds in this joint.
AHA!
please select golum
money
money golum selected
*waits not so patiently, bouncing up and down*
Damnitalltohell, It's monoploy money! I thought I'd be able to take us all to Dragon*Con in style.
*pouts*

[asianmommy]

**creates chocolate peanutbutter golems**

mmmmm this will be the yummiest army ever.

[sableagle]

You cloned the clone machine? Brilliant!

*starts murmuring quietly*
beer clone? No I already love a beer with my name on it, I'd be sad if I wasn't as good. bacon clone? No it wouldn't last more than 5 seconds in this joint.
AHA!
please select golum
money
money golum selected
*waits not so patiently, bouncing up and down*
Damnitalltohell, It's monoploy money! I thought I'd be able to take us all to Dragon*Con in style.
*pouts*Well, yeah, Gollum losssst hissss pressciousssnesss.

Platinum Golem?
http://www.thejackcat.com/AC/Pets/golem/golem_platinum_new.jpg