Do I count?

[TNT]

Hi everyone. I just wanted to know if the artist alley was just for drawings, or if people like me who cant draw for toffee can put up ideas and writing and stuff... or if it goes somewhere else.

[Lithanial]

heh i cant draw for crap either, can miniture paint pretty well though :D

dont particualarly see why people would hold it against you for posting up writings or the like though, works for elfwood.

[CptCalico]

For my part, I'd love to see what you have up your sleeve.

[TNT]

MWHAHAHAHAHAH! HAHAHHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I mean... Yey. :D

Here is a link to a little mini story that I've written.
http://www.elftown.com/wiki.html?name=boy+meat+girl

[Crazeyal]

Ugh...

Put in paragraphs THEN I read...

UGH!!!

[TNT]

There. . . . . . . ass

[Crazeyal]

Pardon MOI...

But it is a basic right of a reader, NOT to be assaulted by a wall of text. I'm an amateur writer as well. I have taken TONS of abuse for context, style and just plain nastiness for the sake of it. But my writing has been READABLE. You put your work up for review, and it's not even in a form that is acceptable in FIRST GRADE, and you are going to get comments.

Trust me...

I was NICE...

[TNT]

Ok, ok. I've asked loads of people before and they never found a problem with it. There were actually paragraphs there, they just weren't double spaced.

[CptCalico]

Murr. I just took an eye at it and will give you decent feedback, only not before I've had a good nights sleep. Always beware not quite sober editors. Correction, beware editors. Period.

[TNT]

Editors? Im 16, the only people who've seen this is my parents, some people on ET and you lot.. GIVE ME CRITISISM! TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

[Crazeyal]

Okay.. You asked for it...


Jeremy wiped the sweat off his brow as he leant on the shovel, his breath short gasps for air. It was always difficult digging them up but this was the worst one yet.(Text suggests thought. Perhaps add Quotations and a descriptive like " he thought to himself as he forced the crude wooden cudgel into the marsh-like grip of the soil." This gives more description of the scene and displays the stress the character is undergoing) He stifled a groan, his protesting muscles (Error: his muscles protesting)as they slammed the shovel into the dirt again,(.) (I)t wasn’t as if it was resisting(...) (I)t was just so wet that it was like trying to dig in porridge. (Just then,) A familiar clunk of wood on metal rang threw the air, muffled by the constant fall of slurry into the pit.


Shall I continue?

[TNT]

Ok. :) Oh.... I'd just like to add that when I wrote this it was in a set number of words and I didn't put everything I wanted in.

[Crazeyal]

Well, then I won't go that far.

The text picks up towards the end, and you stopped rushing. Except for the end. I was going to comment on that too, but it seems like the space limit hit you there too. I'd suggest cutting the part out about kicking the dirt in (unless you want to change it to him doing it out of habit. He's being chased by angry mourners.) and adding at least one more line about the "other " people in the body snatching business. He's a young kid, he's HAD to been threatened with death and worse by the "competition"

The end... meh..

Needs more gore and description. Is she still rotting? The origional Frankenstien was actually Green, you just couldn't tell in the BW film. I'd add some strewn "bad" parts in the laboratory, because daddy couldn't find good meat on them. Perhaps a little bit about how he preserved or connected some of the "should be dead" tissue?

Enslaved "donors" keeping the parts alive until assembly? More shock value is needed, once you mentioned the dead girl and body snatching, it was pretty easy to figure out where you were going. The trick is to make the ride to where everyone KNOWS the end as bumpy as possible.

[TNT]

You do realise I was going to try and get this published in a magazine for a competition right? I couldn't make it too gory, and the only one to actually check it would be my mother. But yeah, by myself I can write like that easily. There was an original bit that I put in that I think I had to remove cause of space, it was about the smell of burning flesh from the generators being powered by "unuseable" parts...

[Crazeyal]

Well, then don't go for graphic, but horror. Right now, all you have is a personal reaction of shock as the ending. BFD he fainted because a girl said hello to him. Endings should be thought provoking, not a period.

[TNT]

Kay kay. I never really thought of this as a story in itself, to me it sounded more like the start of a book. Which would be cool. :3
I'll try and make it more of a conclusion for my short stories in future...

[Crazeyal]

But that's the thing, short stories need a begginning, middle and an end. They are worse to write because of it, and less profitable. They are the fast food of writing. Look at what Goosebumps accomplished. MILLIONS!! Most of the stuff that's written is pablum, but it get's the job done.

[TNT]

BUt apart from some space issues, making short stories have an firm ending and a little mistakes in wording here and there, did you think it was ok?

[Crazeyal]

Yes, I liked it. I thought it a little rushed, but It's a fun little read.

[TNT]

Good good. :)

Hmmmmm... maybe if Im doing another story for a competition I'll do what I want first off, save that as my full draft, then start editing it for the comp.

[TNT]

OK! New story for all you TNT lovers out there. :D

http://www.elftown.com/wiki.html?name=Clink

Not much time put into this... like one day tell me what you think.